Before the month of October goes, I’d like to just say a few words about it being Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. Spousal abuse is real and far too little is said in the church about it. What is said, like a piece I read recently by a Southern Baptist pastor, places the blame for violence on unsubmissive women. (It was Eve’s fault…sound familiar?)
Men are violent to their wives and men to their girlfriends because they are badly damaged individuals. These kind of men must dominate and control. They don’t want a partner or spouse, they want a woman to serve their desires and whims no matter what it does to the other person. They are sick people in need of repentance. Until they do, their victims must find help.
No man has the right to lay a hand on a woman to abuse or intimidate her. Those who use Christianity to justify it know nothing about Christ. Churches that allow men to continue in this sin and do not take action to protect women and children are complicit with the abuser. That’s not a church, friends, that’s a cult. Run for your life if you’re in such a place.
Abuse is not limited to the physical variety. In a lot of Christian homes, husbands use their mouths to control and batter their wives minds and emotions. One woman I know suffers from something like the Stockholm Syndrome where the captive begins identifying with the captor.
“Oh, he didn’t really mean it when he said I was worse than dog vomit. He’s under a lot of stress. I don’t want to make an issue of it with the pastor. If I say anything, my husband keeps my money for groceries and then I have problems,” she says.
That’s not a marriage, that’s a jail cell with the jail warden playing Christian on Sunday as he carries his big Bible in to the service.
If you are in an abusive relationship, get counseling. Please know that you may have to go against some of the people in your life who have a warped view of Christian marriage and separation/divorce. Nowhere in Scripture are women given permission to enable a man to continue to sin. In the case of physical abuse, the man who is abusing is breaking state law. When you let him abuse you, you’re helping him be a law-breaker. Secondly, we are told in the Bible that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. Since when is a man allowed to batter that temple?
When you are in an abusive relationship, your children are listening and watching and learning. You are training your sons and daughters that women should be knocked around, screamed at abusively and otherwise battered. That’s quite a message. The contempt shown for you will become their contempt if you do not remove yourself and your children from such a situation.
I once heard a man at a Bible study talk about the effects his father’s abuse of his mother had on him. His last memory of her was in their basement by the coal bin, his mother hunkered down in the corner as his father hurled chunks of coal at her. The father encouraged his sons to do the same. The mother soon after was institutionalized and the boy never saw his mother again. Abuse leaves a horrific legacy in the lives of those who observe and experience it. You are fully on biblical ground, sister, to get out and find help if you are in this situation.
Today I learned that a women’s shelter in the metro area of Milwaukee has shortages of certain things. They have immediate needs for a number of items. I thought about how I could help them. Then I thought, oh, but if I advertise for a non-Christian facility, Christians will complain about that. My response is, where are the explicitly Christian shelters, then? Where are the job training centers to help these mothers like the one that this shelter has? Where are the Christian churches reaching out to these hurting women caught in a cycle of abuse and often poverty as well? Until and unless churches want to make a difference for these women, I am grateful for those who do.
When you are all alone, afraid of the man in your life, and your little ones are traumatized because Mama is scared, these shelters are there. They provide a roof over the heads of these women and help them start a new life away from violence. Three cheers and a salute today to the Women’s Center of Waukesha. I hope that their needs are met for the sake of these women and children.
The Hope Blog 
I agree Ingrid. It seems that so many men dont know how to treat women because their fathers were either absent or abusive. And girls dont know what a husband should be like because of the same situation. I go to a second hand kids store for some clothes and every month they have a 99 cent sale and everything they earn goes to the Womens Center of Waukesha. I like to shop there and know that I am helping out also.
I believe domestic abuse contributed to the feminist movement. I certainly can understand why – though I don’t agree with much of current feminist propoganda.
Many years ago I was treated abusively by a boyfriend. Thank God we did not marry. It is is beyond damaging to self-esteem, self-worth and makes a woman feel helpless beyond hope.
I have to remember to be thankful every day for my wonderful husband of 24 years.
For many years that abusive boyfriend haunted my thoughts late at night – I would relive the horror over and over again and blame myself (why did I stay? why did I accept his demeaning treatment? etc.).
The good news is time DOES heal. Those memories are distant now.
Regarding contemporary domestic abuse, there doesn’t seem to be a guideline in the Bible – and for churches using the Bible as their basis on how to live – well, I don’t think they know how to proceed.
Perhaps it was the feminist movement that contributed to domestic abuse. The feminists have emasculated men as a group, making it harder for them to succeed in the world.
Perhaps being powerless in the world, they have sought to flex their muscles (often literally) within their homes. If they can’t control what happens beyond their houses, then they will control what happens within, even if it means destroying the wife and children they once loved.
Whatever the cause, there is no excuse for abusive behavior, and no excuse for churches that see HIS abuse as HER fault.
Helen, I don’t think men are emasculated without their permission. It’s all a vicious cycle going back to the garden. Abusive and sinful men have always knocked the women around. Women, after thousands of years, finally say, enough, and start getting educated so as not to be at the mercy of the neanderthals, men then are “emasculated” because women show contempt for them, men are abusive…the sinful cycle continues. None of it is what God intended for marriage, where, as Scripture says, there is submission to one another in love. But who’s obeying Scripture anyway in this culture? So the carnage continues.
“Oh, he didn’t really mean it when he said I was worse than dog vomit… ” she says.
That’s not a marriage, that’s a jail cell with the jail warden playing Christian on Sunday as he carries his big Bible in to the service.
When pastors and others try to lay all the blame on the woman it angers me. My ex-pastor was one who thought that with counseling, and Biblical admonition, all abusive situations could be fixed.They are forgetting that a large part of the admonition to men and women is for men to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her…” Ephesians 5:24-26.
My pastor was one who believed that marriage was sacred and even abusive situations should, with counseling and prayer, be preserved. He neglected to realize that a man who abuses his wife has left the marriage and abandoned his responsibility.
I’m so glad you post about this subject periodically. I pray that every time you do, someone is able to gain strength to get out of an abusive relationship.
Oops, sorry I misspelled the link in my name!
I, too, have been a victim of domestic abuse and know firsthand the trauma of it. My mother did not fulfill her responsibility to protect my sister and me from an abusive father. By no means do I advocate that this tragic epidemic be swept under the rug.
Lisa K is right, however, that there are no clear Scriptural guidelines to apply to this issue. You mislead your readers, Ingrid, in saying that because our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit no man is allowed to batter them. Clearly you have missed a crucial parallel here. Christ, Who is the very God Incarnate, took unimaginable abuse to His body on our behalf. Never considering His equality with God a thing to be grasped. If we believers follow in His steps then we must consider this carefully. There will be suffering. We can choose to join Him in it for His glory or we can just take matters into our own hands.
The greater tragedy in my case would be if decades later anger and bitterness still made me a victim. I have been redeemed from this sin, however, because of that very abuse my Savior took for me. Praise is He!
Just wanted to share. Go ahead and delete me. We both know you will.
Sorry, Kim, it wasn’t to God’s glory that my friend, Tawana, had her head blown off by her abusive spouse and her newborn was murdered by slamming his head into a dresser so hard that it was the equivalent of that child being dropped from a 3 story building. That was the coroner’s assessment. God never intended for the bride of a groom to be murdered and abused, which is as much a violation of the marriage vows as adultery.
Suffering for Jesus is one thing. Suffering from someone calling himself a believer while dragging his wife through the house by her neck is a mockery of Christianity. You also ignore the fact of the children in these homes. You have a right to stay and martyr yourself at the hands of spousal violence, but to subject your innocent children to that is another matter altogether. Women who “take matters into their own hands”, i.e., get help and escape, are not trying to avoid suffering in this life. They are saving their lives.
I am disturbed by your view on that, Kim. I am glad in your case, that everything worked out well. For many women, they have no second chance because they are dead. Just ask Tawana’s family about that, and also the family of one of our radio station managers on our network. His mother had her head blown off with a .357 magnum after making him a dinner. He had abused her for years and she thought she was doing God’s work by staying with him as he hurled her meals into the walls and terrified everyone in the home. Now her family says, “why didn’t we take her out of there? Why didn’t we rescue her?”
Those headlines the next day really brought glory to God, let me tell you. The man blew his own head off seconds later, so unfortunately, her martyrdom was for nothing. He never repented and all her years of abuse never accomplished his heart change. Sorry, Kim, your views don’t wash with me. Each women makes a choice to either get help or stay with a violent husband. You are alive to tell about your decision. I’m glad. Others weren’t so blessed.
I was blessed that God rebuilt my life, rescued my children from learning the wrong message about women, and has used my experiences with others. My advice to women in abusive homes. Get help and get safe.
I’m also puzzled why you are so hostile in assuming I would delete your comment. Can we not have a polite discussion on these things without assuming the worst about each other?
Ingrid, my dear, my testimony is to point people to Christ. If my “views” don’t wash with you… well, then….
And Kim, friend, I also point women to Christ on a daily basis on each forum I’ve been given. He alone has the answers. He alone rebuilds lives. I would encourage you to look into your heart as to why you are hostile towards me. It has come through in several of your comments in the past. I don’t mind those who disagree with me. I’ve had 21 years of getting feedback from those who do, but I’m puzzled as to why you read my blog if it offends you so much. This is the last place I’m going to tolerate ongoing controversy. Life is simply too short for that nonsense. I wish you peace, sister.
I want to insert an observation here. Each time I have addressed the issue of domestic abuse, it has generated some strangely hostile comments from both men and women. I do not understand why this is. If people are at peace with their decisions to stay in a given situation, why are they so angry to hear of how the Lord had a different plan for others? It mystifies me why my writing a few thoughts on this subject somehow has to turn into controversy. I’m talking about protecting women and children. Among believers this is controversial? Maybe we should ask why that is.
Many years ago I briefly volunteered to answer phones for a local Christian tv station affiliated with the 700 Club (this was the late 1970s). We were instructed if a woman called regarding domestic abuse we were NEVER to tell her to leave! This confused and troubled me. So there is (or was) a pervasive Christian church belief that a woman stays in a marriage no matter what.
(In all fairness, I have seen Pat Robertson in recent years advise women to leave if their life was in danger – remember this was a long time ago.)
My sister married a “good Christian man” many years ago who was excessively demanding and sexually abusive – telling her because they were married she could not refuse him at anytime – even if she thought it was depraved, or she was sick or tired, etc. They eventually divorced, though their conservative Christian church totally sided with her husband!
Why do some Christian churches regard marriage as a man “owning” his wife – as though she were an object. This sounds uncomfortably like a Muslim practice to me.
Thank you for addressing this issue Ingrid. I find it strange to see the controversy surrounding this topic.
A husband who is abusing a wife is responsible for his OWN actions. He must have his sin taken care of biblically. A woman who is suffering abuse is responsible for her self(and children of course) and must find help and leave in order to be SAFE. It is horrible when a woman feels responsible for the abuse she is enduring(yet many women feel responsible for their husbands actions and feelings!). Why on earth should a woman stay there and “take it” just for the sake of suffering? Don’t people understand that Christ values women just the same as men?
I think the issue of verbal & emotional abuse doesn’t get the attention it should. Words can leave scars that leave a woman battered for life. They can live every minute in fear of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. Even if they didn’t do something anything that happens wrong is their fault. This needs to be brought out.
You are right about the kids. If they see the Dad treat the Mom as nothing they treat her the same way when they grow up. The don’t treat her with care & respect.
I wholeheartedly agree. I know a Christian woman right now who has the profile of a physically battered woman although she has never been struck physically. Worse yet, her husband has professed Christ for years. Being degraded, shredded emotionally, falsely accused, ridiculed and attacked at every turn has a long-term effect on women that few understand until they have either witnessed it or experienced it themselves.
I can understand how this happens in non-Christian settings, but in homes that purport to be Christian homes, it is ghastly to see. Men who do this can’t know the real Christ or they would not destroy another. I read a book about people like this called “Why is it Always About You?” It was the clearest description of the narcissistic personality and how it destroys others that I have ever read. The only solution for men like this is a transformation by the Holy Spirit. Humanly, there is little hope for those whose entire outlook is about themselves and themselves alone.
The profile of the abusive husband:
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.”
Men are most like the devil when they view their wives as anything less than equals before God. All sin begins with some attempt at superiority.
The profile of the godly husband:
“I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”
The job of the husband is to make their wives more radiantly beautiful Christians.
Thank you for the book suggestion!!!
The man I was thinking of was a deacon in his church!
I was married to a very abusive, manipulating man. He was a government employee and had the connections to get away with everything. He beat me. He raped me. At one point he wanted to set fire to me. I lived in constant fear for years, and I read over the Bible many times, looking for a biblical out, but there wasn’t one. I have been living in isolation for over ten years now because the Bible says I have to remain unmarried or reconcile to my husband. My husband became a Christian years after our divorce and has been blessed with a wife and children. He treats his new family wonderful. Since reconciliation isn’t even possible, the only biblical way of life for me is to remain unmarried and alone until I die. I was 16 when I met my husband. He forced me to be his girlfriend when I told him I didn’t want to be more than friends. He was a lot older than I was. I have a hard time dealing with the fact that I am considered the guilty party in the divorce and am sentenced to a life of punishment while he got saved and forgiven and gets showered with blessings. I never even wanted to be with him in the first place, but after he had taken my virginity, I read in the Bible where if a man seduces or rapes an unbetrothed virgin that he was to marry her. So I married him to stop the sin of fornication since he refused to stop having sex on me even when I kept trying to talk him out of it. I didn’t want to go to hell. Now I feel lonely forever and it’s like I’m in living hell already. I often wish I had obeyed the Bible and stayed and let him beat me to death. I suffered seven years of sexual, emotional, mental, and physical abuse at his hands both before and after the marriage from the age of 16 until 23 when I finally got the divorce and fled the state.
I have been told that God allowed it to happen to me to build character. I don’t know what character it was supposed to build in me. I have PTSD and physical problems from the abuse. I have trouble sleeping. I sometimes have nightmares. I am 33 now, and I long for death so my punishment will be over. I have trouble trusting God at all, because He wanted such horrible things to happen to me. I kept hoping He would make it better, but He never did.
My husband was never sorry. He enjoyed abusing me. He told me soon after we married that he was going to make the days with my father seem like the most pleasurable. My dad had been abusive as well.
I keep hearing Christians go on about how God makes things work for the good, but no good has come to my life. I feel like my life has just been a huge curse.
I finally fled the marriage after my baby was born in 96. I didn’t want her to grow up in that environment. Jesus said if we place our son or daughter before God that we don’t deserve Him. I put my daughter first.
My daughter now hates me because I’m usually not around (I’m a single parent and have had to find ways of income) and she has no father. She wants to go be with her dad so that she’ll have a family. So I went through years of legal hell to protect her from him and she doesn’t appreciate it and wants to go live with him. It really hurts.